Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
shut up and take my money
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.