Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
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I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself