TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
👾👾👾
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…