[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
You Might Also Like
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey