*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
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Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
every single time
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.