[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
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People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
*serious situation*
My brain:
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.