Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth


It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.


You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.


Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?


Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*


They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.