Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
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And that about sums it up.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.