Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
At least try to make it slightly believable
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.