Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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The glory of fall.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge