Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes