Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own