Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.