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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
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ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Delta India Charlie Kilo”
– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Wasn’t that adorable?!
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?