Twitter dot com. *sigh*
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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Computer: choose a password
Computer: confirm password
Computer: passwords do not match
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.
He cooked 2 sausages.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers