Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.