Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
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Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.