@Carbosly

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

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@theDUDE___

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

@ItalianBratikus

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

@Token_Geezer

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

@MomOnFire

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

@jakelikesnaps

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

@HeatherLuvsYou

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

@Contwixt

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

@_kayditty

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

@ellewasamistake

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

@EyalTweet

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.