Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door