Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.