Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Every house has this drawer
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me