twitter is a journey
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit