Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Twitter fine art
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.