Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
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(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son