twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.