Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see