Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.