Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
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BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I had to Stop for this
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.