Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
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I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
FINE, I WON’T.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!