Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
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*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she鈥檚 not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My god she’s good.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 馃槶
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…