Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
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I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.