Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
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*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
S M O L
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
This hospital has everything
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Social Media and Real life
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera