Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
You Might Also Like
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear