Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

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People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.


Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.


I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.


The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.


whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work


My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.


My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…


no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day


Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.