@thematrixiscool

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

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@Xalqee

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

@imence2

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

@Book_Krazy

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

@orangecrushable

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

@MissHavisham

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

@HiddleDeeDee

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

@Angibangie

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

@TheFirstDudish

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.