Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
is it earth
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
sistine chapel
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.