@thematrixiscool

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

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@CrackedIllusion

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

@shanethevein

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@ilovepie84

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

@sbellelauren

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

@XplodingUnicorn

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

@jaslakhmna

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

@English_Channel

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

@MoistPork

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.