Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.