Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
You Might Also Like
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.