Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]