@Leslie_Annie

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

You Might Also Like

@fowlerism

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

@AimeeHelene1

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

@Browtweaten

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

@sonictyrant

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

@RCKruseKontrol

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

@UnFitz

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

@TheThomason

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

@truegritrumble

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

@TylerLinkin

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.