Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
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Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.