Twitter is the new flypaper.
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Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
The 6 types of sex
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!