Twitter is the new flypaper.
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I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I can also cook 😂
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.