Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.