Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
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[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
this article brought to you by lions
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell