Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
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I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat