Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
You Might Also Like
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.