Twitter remains undefeated
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Favourite diary entry ever
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?