Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
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“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats