Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.