Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*