Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
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[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
If I ignore life will it go away?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you