Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?