TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
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Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o