Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied