@DaddyJew Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
@olievl Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
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@DaddyJew 
@FeverFlave As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
@sarcasticmommy4 What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
@TheToddWilliams Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
@bourgeoisalien I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
@Jenny4ashley Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
@rogerbellin future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
@AbbyHasIssues Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
@raoulvilla You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane