Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.


*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”


Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.


“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”


If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?


When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.


My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.


ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*


At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.