@olievl

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

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@DaddyJew

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

@FeverFlave

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

@bourgeoisalien

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

@Jenny4ashley

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

@rogerbellin

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

@raoulvilla

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane