Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
This fish is cracking me up
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.