Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Before crowbars crows drank alone
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
do what now??
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic